Personal Growth as Perfectionism

We are in relationship with everything in our lives and all relationships require occasional effort. By relationship, I mean we have a way we relate to these people/places/things/ideas and often how they relate back to us. A way we interact, think, feel, and integrate

In all relationships, there are inevitable periods in which effort increases, rarely turning into labor. But, what happens when our relationship with ourselves because constant effort and labor??

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There is something very enticing about self-development. “Yes, of course I should be moving forward and growing!  It’s called being an adult!  I want to be my best self…”

Sound familiar?

And for most of us, most of the time, that is a healthy, natural thought that propels us to learn and make healthy changes.  It is especially powerful when we consider that many of those patterns were previously running on autopilot and not working out so well.

The glitch in the program comes, though, when we are constantly seeking improvement, constantly stuck thinking about trimming off a little more of our least-best.  This can become a habit, a twitch almost, and leave us constantly unsatisfied… with ourselves.

Try this on for size:

You are a rock climber looking for a partner.  You settle on someone who is available and tolerate them only so you can get better and no longer have to climb with them anymore.  In the meantime, you are spending many days and experiences with them, but never invested in them or the connection you are sharing.

This is an example I gave my partner once while climbing, and I asked how that would feel.  His face immediately scrunched,

“Eww.”

Yet, that is where we can slowly slide with self-improvement. 

I am only tolerating this Least-Best Self as a means to an end of my Perfect Self.  I am not present in the experiences she is having or care about caring for her and loving her strange, funny, endearing imperfection.  I am hell-bent on “fixing” all of those rough edges, shadows, or peculiarities s

Eww.

In this gap in our relationships with ourselves, self-care and self-compassion (our ability to accept and respect imperfection as a natural quality of being alive) often fades away.  If improvement is the glaring objective, behind which nothing can be seen, we forget to nourish ourselves mentally, emotional, and spiritually.  And then, in that starved state, we look around and see a lot of our Least-Best Self and wonder how the hell we got there and how to make it stop!

As you reflect on your relationship with climbing, for example, are there any aspects of yourself as a climber that you might consciously or unconsciously fail to accept as your current state of growth? In climbing, or any relationship, keep a finger on the pulse of your effort-and-ease balance. At ClimbWell, we call this “going al dente;” not too hard, not too soft.

Where can you lighten up a bit in your demands? Where can you explore tightening up your approach and seeing what you’re made of??